Letter to Myself
It’s April and the showers have already started. Today the blossom covered the road like snow and the wind howled. The green buds have appeared and the pink on the edges of the trees has already begun to fade. I don’t know when you will read this, when you will need to hear this, maybe it’s for tomorrow or maybe you will come back to this moment in time years from now.
Today feels hard. This time and this moment in life feels weary and rough. You have had your heart broken, twice, in a way you could never have imagined. Change is hard and tiring and requires all of your energy to engage. Money is tight and you are making big, weighty decisions. Where you will work and live, and and how you will set up this life. In the midst of it, you want a family, you want depth, friendship, community. You seek to feel alive.
You are doing okay. Just keep going. You are still so, young.
You are walking through this life with another by your side, your stories are different and yet entwined. You make space for one another’s dreams, passions, failings, inadequacies, hurts. You are learning to navigate the depths of human emotions, yourself and together and that is not easy. You are facing disappointment and you are fighting with all your strength to hold onto hope, to keep your heart soft. You want with all your being to thrive and grow and know God, for you both. You desire so much, so much for each other, and yourself. All you are required to do is to stay side by side, and accept the journey, the mountains and valleys and all that is between.
Life is not all that you always imagined. You are in a waiting time. A between. A corridor of space. Waiting for physical change, hoping for spiritual change, praying for a change in your body, for a child. Waiting has never been fun.
When you are old, you will look back on this year and it won’t seem so harsh. You will remember fondly the days in London streets, your attic bedroom, the adventures you took together. Of course you will remember the heartbreak, but it won’t hurt like it does now. You will recall that you were trying secure a house, to plan a life, to move cities and make new friends, it will all seem so long ago. Bigger things will have happened since and you will laugh and say remember when we were so worried about that house and our overdraft and getting a car. It will all fade in view of your life to come.
What you may always remember though, is the small things. The colour blue in the cafe round the corner. The way the magnolia tree outside burst to life and fell to the ground in one fell swoop. Your grandmothers home, her cooking and soft, quiet presence. You will remember laughing until your bellies hurts together. You will always love the feel of a new book, light in the morning, a still house. The smell of fresh coffee and mango and lime. How much you loved mango and lime. You’ll still love the taste of dark chocolate and warm nights at home. You probably won’t remember the irritations or frustrations of the day. And that is good, They are not worth remembering. But the small things, London in the Spring, the blossom in bloom and that Magnolia tree, that’s worth remembering.
You have always believed in a bigger, more exciting life and that requires sacrifice. That is what you are aiming for and it is brave and different and will take you to wild places. It’s worth the tight cash and pushing for what you really want. You will be more satisfied in the end. I know it seems like God is far away in these days, but remember all the blessings. The people, the love, the opportunities you have been gifted with. You are deeply, deeply blessed. There have been days and nights of doubt and wrestling. With yourself, with your faith. There have been days and nights too, of peace, and joy and excitement. Of dreaming and hoping. You have always wanted character and depth and these are the moments of it’s making. Patience, perseverance, resilience, hope.
People, your family and closest friends included won’t always understand you, your decisions or choices but they are not required too. You can be gracious anyway. Remember too, there is no expiration date on grief, you are not require to be ‘over it’ and no one is keeping score. I know you like to be strong and steady but strength is found in weakness and is not your shame.
So when you read this, whenever it may be: Remember that life is good, and you are blessed. God is patient and kind and what fun would it be if the road was straight? There are places ahead you could never have dreamed about going, experiences to be had and people to love. They are what you press on for. You will know God better and see him more, your heart will heal and break again in other ways, and heal again over and over. Your character will deepen and wisdom will grow like a tree beside water. You will know deep in your soul God is good, he will always be present, he is making all things new. This is but a moment in eternity.